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Duties of Men in Islam

In America, we can see many (muslim) men involved in drinking and carousing, refusing to get married, refusing to work, or if they do work, spending their money on silly and useless things like fancy cars, stereos, expensive clothes and whatnot. Meanwhile, there are women, young and old, fending for themselves. Sisters who are destroying their health because they have to raise and support children with no husband in sight.

Really, we must ask ourselves, what good does it do for us to talk about making jihad against the Disbelievers when we are not taking care of our families and our own communities in the way of Allah?

In the event that a Muslim sister is lacking the maintenance which the Quran demands for her and her children: to be given food, clothing and shelter, protection from harassment or crime, this is the responsibility of the entire community. We as Muslims must strive, in accordance with what Allah has given us, to make the world such a place that it will be safe for children to be born, where mothers and fathers will not grieve, but rejoice every time Allah grants them a little baby into their care out of his Mercy. It is important that we start the jihad for the establishment of Islam in our society within our families. If we cannot practice the Sunnah of love, respect and helpfulness in our own homes, of what use will it be if we proclaim the Sharia throughout the land? How are we going to heal our society? There is only one way.

We can only do it by raising children who are willing to uphold Islam in their hearts and their actions. The son, especially, should be taught very early to respect his mothers and sisters and to defend their honor at any cost. To always speak well of them, and to help them with whatever they need, to the best of his ability. This kind of education will help him to know how to behave with his wife, who will be his permanent companion when he grows up. We can see in the Hadith how important it is for Muslim men to spend time with their families. The Prophet Muhammed, peace be upon him, always helped his wives with their housework, and he instructed us that this would be counted and rewarded by Allah as charity. His cousin Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, was also a model of Islamic courtesy and chivalry. He was a familiar sight at home, playing with his children. These Muslim men were courageous warriors, and yet, they treated their families with loving kindness.

The role of the man in the marriage relationship is that of provider for the family. Many men complain that this is not fair. Why is it MY job to pay the rent? This is because in Islam, childbearing, nursing and taking care of the household are considered work. The man is expected to provide his wife for all her needs, regardless of how much money she has independently. This right to shelter, food and clothing is, or should be anyway, the privilege of all Muslim women. Any money a woman earns outside the home and contributes to the household is considered by Allah to be charity. It is contrary to Islamic boundaries of proper courtesy for a husband to expect his wife to feel forced to leave her home and earn money for the needs of her children or herself. It is also completely inappropriate for a Muslim family to reside in an upper-class neighborhood if this income is dependent on the wifes working and giving all her money to her husband.

At the same time, Islam has not restricted women to the home. This fact is obvious in the Quran (2:233) where it states, If ye decide on a foster mother for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided ye pay (her) what ye offered, on equitable terms.

Quite simply, this means that if the wife does not wish to nurse the baby, there is nothing wrong with the husband providing a nanny or baby-sitter for their children, so that his wife can lead an active lifestyle, if that is her choice. Now in Islam, the role of taking care another womans children is a very respected role. Its not just that you give some teenager $5 so that you can go out to dinner. No, the role of the nursemaid means that she is considered family to your children, such that they will never intermarry with her biological children, because they are related by milk. This provision is also a sort of an Islamic welfare system. A woman who is in need of income may seek employment in a Muslim household as a nurse for their children. The parents should make sure she is of kind heart and true character before entrusting their children to her care. And all the while she is in the home, they are obliged to treat her as they would treat themselves, in complete decency.

The relationship of the mother to the son is the closest relationship two human beings can have. That is why psychological studies show that boy babies are much more attracted to their mothers than girl babies, who demonstrate independence at a far earlier age. This is due to the Wisdom and Mercy of Allahs great Plan, because the girl, when she grows up, will go on to be part of an entirely new family when she marries, and she will have her own children to bear and to raise. The boy, on the other hand, will be responsible for his mother until she dies. So the bond has to be very deep and very strong, that it will help the son to make the great sacrifices for the protection of his mother, especially in old age.

A Muslim is supposed to listen to his mother even before he listens to his father. It is our mothers who have the greatest impact upon our lives. Even while we were still in the womb, she gave us love and taught us about Islam. During our lives, she is the one who will grieve the most when we do something wrong. On the day of Judgement, Allah will ask each persons mother is she was pleased with her child. Inshaallah, if we can make our mothers happy, then Allah will be pleased with us.

Question :

In Qur'an, it has clearly mentioned, how Women should be dressed at any country or environment whether in a Islamic country or Non-Islamic country. I want to know, how should Men be dressed at any country or environment whether in a Islamic country or in a Non-Islamic country?.

Answer :
Praise be to Allaah.  

There follows a summary of the rulings on dress for men. We ask Allaah to make it sufficient and beneficial. 

1.     The basic principle concerning everything that is worn is that it is halaal and permissible, except for that concerning which there is a text to state that it is haraam, such as silk for males, because the Prophet [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: These two [gold and silk] are forbidden for the males of my ummah and permissible for the females. Narrated by Ibn Maajah, 3640; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh Ibn Maajah. Similarly it is not permissible to wear the skin of a dead animal (one that has died of natural causes) unless it has been tanned. With regard to wearing clothes made of wool, goat hair and camel hair, these are pure and permissible. For more information on the use of the skin of dead animals after tanning, please see question no. 1695 and 9022.

2.     It is not permissible to wear thin or see-through clothing that does not conceal the awrah.

3.     It is haraam to imitate the mushrikeen and kuffaar in their manner of dress, so it is not permissible to wear clothing that is unique to the kuffaar. 

It was narrated that Abd-Allaah ibn Amr ibn al-Aas said: The Messenger of Allaah [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saw Ali wearing two garments dyed with safflower and said: These are garments of the kuffaar; do not wear them.

Narrated by Muslim, 2077. 

4.     It is haraam for women to imitate men and men to imitate women in the way they dress, because the Prophet [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) cursed the men who imitate women and the women who imitate men. Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5546.

5.     It is Sunnah for a Muslim to start with the right when dressing, and to say, Bismillaah (In the name of Allaah), and to start with the left when taking  clothes off. 

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah said: The Messenger of Allaah [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: When you get dressed and when you do wudoo, start on the right. Narrated by Abu Dawood, 4141; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami, 787. 

6.     It is Sunnah for the one who is putting on a new garment to thank Allaah and make duaa. 

It was narrated that Abu Saeed said: When the Messenger of Allaah [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) put on a new garment, he would call it by its name, whether it was a turban, a shirt or a cloak, then he would say: Allaahumma laka al-hamd anta kasawtanihi asaluka khayrahu wa khayri ma sunia lah wa aoodhu bika min sharrihi wa sharri ma sunia lah (O Allaah, to You be all praise. You have clothed me with it. I ask You for the good of it and the good for which it was made, and I seek refuge with You from the evil of it and the evil for which it was made).

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 1767; Abu Dawood, 4020; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami, 4664. 

7.     It is Sunnah to pay attention to keeping one's clothes clean, without feeling arrogant or exaggerating about that. 

It was narrated from Abd-Allaah ibn Masood that the Prophet [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: No one will enter Paradise in whose heart is a mustard-seed of arrogance. A man said: What if a man likes his clothes to look nice and his shoes to look nice? He said: Allaah is Beautiful and loves beauty; arrogance means rejecting the truth and looking down on people.

Narrated by Muslim, 91.  

8.     It is mustahabb to wear white clothes 

It was narrated that Ibn Abbaas said: The Messenger of Allaah [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Wear white clothes, for they are the best of your clothes, and shroud your dead in them.

Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 994, hasan saheeh. This is what the scholars regarded as mustahabb. Also narrated by Abu Dawood, 4061; Ibn Maajah, 1472. 

9.     It is haraam for the Muslim man to let any garment he wears hang down beneath his ankles (an action known as isbaal); the limit for any garment is the ankles. 

It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said; Whatever of the lower garment is beneath the ankles is in the Fire.

Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5450. 

It was narrated from Abu Dharr that the Prophet [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: There are three to whom Allaah will not speak on the Day of Resurrection and will not look at them or praise them, and theirs will be a painful torment. The Messenger of Allaah [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) repeated it three times. Abu Dharr said: May they be doomed and lost; who are they, O Messenger of Allaah? He said: The one who lets his garment hang beneath his ankles, the one who reminds others of favours he has done, and the one who sells his product by means of false oaths.

Narrated by Muslim, 106. 

10. It is haraam to wear garments of fame and vanity, which means a garment that stands out from others so that people will look at the wearer and he will become known for it. 

It was narrated that Ibn Umar said: The Prophet [an error occurred while processing this directive](peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: Whoever wears a garment of fame and vanity, Allaah will dress him in a garment like it on the Day of Resurrection. 

According to another version, then set it ablaze. And according to a third version, will dress him in a garment of humiliation.

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds, the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble prophet Muhammad, and upon his family and companions.

When marriage is spoken of during these "modern" times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring images of an arranged marriage, trying to find that "perfect" companion, how much of a financial burden it will become, and so on. The reality is that Islam came to solve these problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately we have integrated our local traditions and customs with Islam so that marriage has become a major concern for a man rather than a delightful experience.

When living in a free, perverted and corrupt Western society, the Muslim male youth finds many temptations and tests, as a result of mixing with females, which he must face and overcome. He must constantly resist these temptations, which are thrown at him in the streets, on the media, and at work. And so the wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on, when he said: "O young men, those among you who can support a wife should marry, for it restrains the eyes from casting (evil glances), and preserves one from immorality..."

When seriously considering marriage, you must pose the question to yourself as to just what kind of wife you want, what her qualities should be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful household, and how you will know who she is. As Muslims, we believe that Allah wants the best for us, and that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated this through his own life. So note that by following the advise of our own Creator, and that of His beloved servant, we can only be successful.

WHO TO MARRY? Islam is clear on the kind of wife you should be seeking. The Prophet (s.a.w) said: "A woman may be married for four reasons: for her property, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may you be blessed." This specifically defines just what kind of a companion we are seeking, for if we marry her for anything other than her religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall into misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to resist, yet beauty does not last forever and does not guarantee you her obedience and religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and so is worldly status, yet religion strongly establishes a household, and it may be that through your intention of marrying her for her religion, the rest is given to you anyway.

In another hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said: "The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world is as valuable as a pious woman! This point has been stressed many times by Rasulallah (s.a.w), who himself, when asked what three things he loved the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the following ayah was revealed: "They who hoard up gold and silver and do not spend it in the way of Allah, unto them give tidings of a painful doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated in the fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and flanks and their backs will be branded therewith (and it will be said to them): 'Here is what you hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you used to hoard' " [al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a) has been quoted to say that, when this ayah was revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w), submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the minds of the Sahaba. Rasulallah (s.a.w) replied that the best thing to be treasured is the devoted wife, who causes pleasure when seen, obeys orders instantly and takes full care of herself and her husbands property when he is away.

Abu Bakr once asked Rasulallah (s.a.w) what was the best thing to be treasured, and he (s.a.w) replied: "the tongue in remembrance of Allah, the heart filled with thanks to Allah, and a pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds". Look at how valuable such a woman is in the sight of Allah! How can a man live unhappily with such a person?

QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN. All right, you say, you've convinced me, but what actually makes her a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allah himself has described those qualities most loved by Him in the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there are numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes of a pious woman. The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking; so note those fine and appreciative qualities. The following are some ayahs on the attributes of the wife you should be seeking; so note those fine and appreciative qualities. "And women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity"[s.24; v.26]

"Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence what Allah would have them guard" [s.4; v.34]

"It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him in exchange consorts better than you, who submit (Muslims), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for faith) and fast..." [s.66; v.5].

And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of those qualities loved by Allah, qualities which by the way should be evident in both males and females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the following attributes:

- A Muslim woman
- A believing woman
- A devout woman
- A true woman
- A woman who is patient and constant
- A woman who humbles herself
- A woman who gives charity
- A woman who fasts and denies herself
- A woman who guards her chastity
- A woman who engages much in Allah's praise.

Among the four known perfect women was Maryam. She was loved by Allah because of her religious qualities: "O Maryam! Worship your Lord: prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer) with those who bow down" [s.3; v.43].

Another was the wife of Pharaoh: "And Allah sets forth, as an example to those who believe, the wife of Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the Garden' " [s.66; v.11].

The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of their religious qualities. Aisha once related the fine qualities of Zainab: "(Zainab) was the one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in the eyes of Allah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I have never seen a woman more advanced in religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious, more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood, more generous and having more sense of self-sacrifice in practical life and having more charitable disposition and thus more closer to Allah, the Exalted, than her."

Ah, you think, but you'll never find such a woman! Well, if that was true, Allah would not have described her in the first place, and furthermore those qualities were emanating from the women described above. Islam deals with reality, not fiction. Sure, the perfect woman doesn't exist, yet "if you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good" [s.4; v.19]. Remember also that you are not perfect either!

KNOWING WHO SHE IS. To find that pious woman, there are two steps to be taken, and that first one relies on your personal observation. In surah Nisaa, Allah asks the believing women that they should "lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments" and also that they "should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments" [s.24; v.31]. If you notice a woman acting modestly, being not too obvious through her actions (by lowering her voice when around men), one who attempts to hide her attractions (which includes her external beauty as well as her internal charms), then you know she has some of those precious qualities. When you see a woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about her revealing clothes, and freely converses with males keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get married you want your wife to devote her love to you, not to twenty other "just good friends".

Through simple observation, you can get a glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she stands when conversing, how she maintains eye contact, her clothes, where she spends her time etc. Look for her strong points, and don't stress on her weak ones.

Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her Yet, after all this, we still have to come to the most important topic. You can look all you want at her, set a private investigator to track her movements, read her diaries (all of which I consider extreme and unIslamic), yet, my dear brother, no-one knows her heart and intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn sour or more religious, or whether you are suitable for each other, except for Allah.

TRUST IN ALLAH We are choosing our wife for her permanent values; namely her religious devotions, moral integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are almost sure to fail, because we have no knowledge.

Allah loves a servant when he puts his trust in Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize His infinite knowledge and wisdom. illustrating how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize His infinite knowledge and wisdom. Islam is likened to being as a house, and in my estimation nothing cements that house together as well as putting our trust in Allah. It is related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his companions to seek, through a special du'a (known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allah in all matters which affected them. Rasulallah (s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what you should do in a certain situation, then pray two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following du'a (du'a of istikharah)."

I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans, powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn to Allah and seek His perfect help whenever we require it? Allah responds to the call of His servant when he asks for guidance, and we are after all seeking to do something in order to please Him.

Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah. Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run to bed expecting to see a dream showing them their future wife, what her favorite color is, and some other weird fantasy. That is not the purpose of this salaat.

The results of an istikharah can take many forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, (i.e. you think about everything carefully and then make a decision). Also, you may notice events have changed, either for or against you - so you re-evaluate your situation again - and perhaps your decision might change. Finally, as a wonderful gift from Allah, you may be blessed with a dream.

The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal straight away, expressing her intention to refer the matter to Allah: "I do not do anything until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allah, the Responsive, answered her plea for help and revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a proposal from what is the best husband any woman can have, yet she was just recognizing that it is Allah who knows how successful such a marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation, that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al Qur'an.

The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw you in a dream for three nights when an angel brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said: 'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I said: 'if this is from Allah, let Him carry it out' ". Marriage is a serious step, and requires the right attitude. If marriage completes half our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half? A woman married for the wrong reasons can only weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she will be your life-long companion, the rarer of your children. Don't marry her for her worldly wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and knowledge. Her status in this life is but illusionary, so choose her for her status in the sight of Allah. Beauty is but superficial, but the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking Allah for a wife, call upon Him by His beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For Allah are certain and dignified names: therefore call upon Him by them" [s.7; v.189]. Ask for a companion who is devout, pious, patient and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord, may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to our eyes and make us leaders of the righteous" [al-Furqan, 74]. I cannot provide a better conclusion than saying that you must put your trust in Allah. You must have trust in His concern for us, and His ability to help us. Allah says: "Put your trust in Allah, for Allah loves those who put their trust in Him" [s.3; v.159].

Marrying a woman with these characteristics of piety will be beneficial after the marriage in the following ways:

She will be obedient to him in everything lawful/permissible.

She will allow him to fulfil his desires and she will make him happy and content.

She will help her husband by looking after his health and his comfort.

She will be good in child rearing and will bring up his children as pious Muslims.

She will be patient and co-operative when he is out to earn money for her.

She will look after his wealth and property when he is away from home ex. Jihad.

She will prepare a nice welcoming for him when he returns.

She will cook the kind of foods that he likes (out of her own love, not force).

She will maintain herself and beautify herself so out of his attraction to her, he will keep his gaze lowered towards other woman.

She will help him maintain his deen and help him improve it.

She will not stop him from doing deeds that are pleasing to Allah, and will stop him from doing the unlawful.

She will not make big decisions without his permission, she will not travel alone against his will, and will not associate with anyone whom he does not approve of.

These are the advantages of marrying the pious woman. So to anyone who is going out to search for that prospective wife. To you is the advice, forget wealth and status as your first priority, forget beauty as your first priority, for wealth and beauty can both be taken away from Allah (swt). When it comes to piety, as long as one fears their Lord, He will never take their piety away for He loves modesty and He loves righteousness over all things and His servants should love what their Allah loves the most. Therefore piety should always come first. Now that one has decided that their prospect must be a pious woman, one who has good character, one who is known to be modest and one who is God-fearing, insh'allah they will be successful in this life and the hereafter.

May Allah help us in our sincere efforts in following His commandments and the way of His beloved servant, and provide us with wives whom He loves.

"When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way"

Marriage - The husband's duties
 

In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a cheerful and successful life in the newly established nest of the newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship between husband and wife and in distributing the rights and obligations arising from this relationship.

In Islam the husband is the head of the household. This is not male chauvinism. It derives from the natural psychological and physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a regular monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for delivery; nor can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore always ready to go out and search for sustenance for himself and his dependents. In fact it was Islam which delivered woman from her plight. It established her equality with man both theoretically and practically. It restored her dignity and recovered her freedom. The Koran stresses her right to benefit from the fruits of her efforts as much as man is entitled to benefit from his (4, 7). It severely condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (58/59 and 8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest chapters (4), which is given the title Women. We have already noticed that in the process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the offer of marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous free action in making this most important decision.

Let us now set out to consider the obligations imposed by Islam upon the husband toward his wife.

1. A husband is responsible for the protection, happiness and maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for the cost of her food, clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to cook, he has to buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen facilities, as may be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her two sets of clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing suitable for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife is also entitled to a comfortable, independent accommodation, suitably furnished and provided with basic sanitation facilities. She is not obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herself with her husband in a relaxed atmosphere, free from the embarrassment caused by the presence of another adult in the household The cost of smoking or of a forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.

2. In addition to providing these material needs, a husband has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must treat his wife in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid hurting her but should bear with her if she ever does something disagreeable, so long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not habitually behave out of bounds. The Koran reads:

...and treat them [women] kindly. [IV,19}

And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:

[Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women. They are weak partners, a trust from God with you; and they are made by the divine word permissible for you.

He also says:

Whoever of you whose wife behaves in a disagreeable manner and he responds by kindness and patience, God will give him rewards as much as Job will be given for his patience.

Patient behavior was the practice of the Prophet, even when his wife dared to address him harshly. Once his mother-in-law- saw her daughter strike him with her fist on his noble chest. When the enraged mother -in-law began to reproach her daughter, the Prophet smilingly said, "Leave her alone; they do worse than that." And once Abu Bakr, his father-in-law, was invited to settle some misunderstanding between him and Aishah. The Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I speak?" Aisha said, "You speak, but do not say except the truth." Abu Bakr was so outraged that he immediately struck her severely, forcing her to run and seek protection behind the back of the Prophet. Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of herself! Does the Messenger of God say but the truth?" The Prophet said, "O Abu Bakr, we did not invite you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah.], nor did we anticipate it."

3. It is further recommended that a husband be relaxed with his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making agreeable jokes. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, in spite of his lofty status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once, hearing an Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the Prophet said to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed, he sent for them and they came and performed in front of his door. The Prophet stretched his hand, putting his palm on the open door and letting Aisha's chin rest on his arm so that she could see comfortably. A while later the Prophet asked Aishah, "Enough?" She said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked, "Enough?" and the answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for the third time, "Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a gesture from the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that of those who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives. " The Prophet also used to say, "Surely God does not love a rough person who is boastful, and rude to his wife." A Bedouin widow once described her husband: "He came always with a smile and left with a greeting. When he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and did not bother when something was missing!"

4. It is of supreme importance that the husband endeavor to handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care and understanding. He should not regard his wife as an object for his own enjoyment alone but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual bliss, satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with love and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their first experience on the wedding day, he has to be particularly gentle. The husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and should endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in this respect. Because of the importance of this element, early Muslim authorities discussed such details as love play, the techniques that arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right Islamic literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original and stimulating than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar material now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here some of the remarks made by these early authorities. They stress the importance of preliminary love play-caresses, fondling, kissing, endearing words- in order to arouse the wife's sexual passion and prepare for a deeper sensation and a successful conclusion. At the beginning of actual coitus, it is recommended that the following prayer be said:

In the name of Almighty God, the Most High, Please,God, ward off the evil forces away from us and from the blessings You bestow upon us.

[In Arabic: bismillahi, allahumma jannibnaa ash-shaytan ,wa jannib asshaytan maa razaqtana (al-bukharee)]

[Also it is desirable that the wife and husband pray two rakat nawafil together on their wedding night before approaching each other. This is based upon some ahadith, one of them being in which the Prophet advised a man named Abu Hareez: Verily, closeness is from Allah, and hatred is from Shaytan, who wishes to make despicable what Allah has allowed. So when you wife comes to you, tell her to pray behind you two rakat" (Sahih from Abi Shaibah, at-Tabaraani and AbdurRazaq]

The authorities also recommend that in the process of coitus, especially before full penetration, the excitable areas of the male genitals be gently provoked to contribute to complete fulfillment. We have to remind the reader, however, that even at this moment of absorption and ecstasy, propriety and cleanliness have to be maintained. On the one hand, both partners may utter exclamations or ejaculations venting or expressing the intensity of their pleasure, which also may increase the degree of their excitation; but neither may scream to the degree of disrupting the natural privacy of the act. Some Companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, recommend the repetition of the words: Allahu Akbar, "God is Great."

On the other hand, it is to be remembered that the liquid (lubricating) material discharged by the sex organs on excitement is counted as a pollution and a polluting element in Islam and that a Muslim is forbidden to smear a part of his or her body with a polluting stuff unnecessarily. [There is difference of opinion as regards to whether the male sperm is pure; the majority and inshallah stronger opinion is that it is pure; yet pre-seminal fluid is impure. Also this does not in anyway make the following conclusion of the author redundant- MSA WebMaster Note]

The position to be assumed by male and female in relation to each other during coitus occupied a great deal of the attention of Muslim authors who treated the subject. They compiled some fifteen basic different positions; and within each choice they suggest varieties of details. We do not need to discuss this matter here at length, since husband and wife, in their search for their own fulfillment, can easily discover these varieties and select what they find to be most suitable and comfortable for themselves. Muslim writers also emphasize that the husband should endeavor to achieve mutual orgasm. If he should fail to hold out sufficiently for his partner, they say he should continue his efforts to have her reach a climax. To rush away from her too soon might be injurious.

[Al-Albani notes in his book 'The Etiquettes of marriage and weddings' published by the jamiat ihyaa minhaaj al-sunnah the following:          It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife in her vagina from any direction he wishes-- from behind or front. About this Allah revealed the following verse: "Your wives are as a tilth unto you; so approach you tilth when or how ye will;"(2-223) A hadith on the authority of Jaabir is: The Jews used to say that if a man entered his wife in the vagina but from behind, their child would be cross-eyed! Then Allah revealed the verse as above. The Prophet(S) said:"From the front or the back, as long as it is in the vagina" ] They also recommend that parting at the end of the act should be slow, pleasant and cordial, not abrupt or indifferent.

After some rest both parties have to have the full ablution (a bath). This duty does not need to be rushed; but when the time of the next prayer comes, it has to be performed to remove the ceremonial pollution arising from coitus. [The author is incorrect in this regard. Rather it is preferred that the couple make at least wudhu as soon as possible. This is from various hadith. One clear one in this regard is that the Prophet(S) said: There are three which the angels will never approach: The corpse of a disbeliever; a man who wears perfume of women; and one who has sex until he performs wudhu (i.e the angels do not approach him until he performs wudhu. Bathing obviously is preferred before sleeping based on another hadith in which Aisha(rd). The command of wudhu however is not obligatory but very highly recommended (mustahab)- From Albani's book]. Prior to having this bath, the parties, like a woman during her period of menstrual discharge, are forbidden to perform prayers or to touch or read the Koran. Moreover, it is better to delay hair cutting and fingernail-clipping until after the ablution.

It is also recommended that the husband seek to introduce changes and variations in his approach and in the performance, even in little details, in order to avoid boredom. Variations also create a sense of novelty, and novelty stimulates interest and curiosity; and this intensifies the feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. These Muslim Etiquettes are probably best summed up in the following words attributed to the Prophet:

Let not one of you fall upon his woman in the manner a male animal suddenly jumps over its female victim. Let there be a messenger [to go] between them." He was asked, "What is the messenger, O Messenger of God?" He said, "Kissing and endearing speech.

Another tradition reads:

Three practices are shortcomings in a man; namely, to fail to enquire about the name of a man he has just encountered, but was worthy of friendship; to refuse a favor extended to him in good faith; and to assault his woman without introductory entertainment [to stimulate her] and so he satisfies his own desire before she can achieve her own fulfillment. When one of you retires with his wife, let them not strip off their clothes completely in an animal-like manner; and let him begin by [stimulating her by the use of] fine exciting speech and by kissing.

[It should be stated though, that there is nothing wrong with a husband and wife being naked in front of each other and for them to see whatever they please of each other. In fact the Prophet (S) bathed with his wife Aisha(RD) who narrates: I used to bathe with the Prophet(S) from a single container of water which was placed between us such that our hands collided inside it. He (S) used to race me such that I would say:' Leave some for me, leave some for me! She added:' We were in a state of sexual defilement'"(Al-bukharee/Muslim)]

In the course of their game of pleasure a husband and his wife may enjoy and fondle any part of the body of each other; and their engagement in this kind of activity is regarded as a type of divine devotion. However, a husband is discouraged from looking at his wife's gentiles, perhaps for its adverse psychological effect. Moreover, coitus is strictly forbidden during the menstrual period; and penetration in the back passage is always forbidden. If the female genitals are to be avoided during the menstrual period, presumably because of their temporary blood pollution, a filthier pollution is an enternal factor in the case of the back passage. Prohibition also applies to all types of unnatural and unproductive activities, whether committed between two persons of the same sex or otherwise.

Early Muslim authorities also discussed the advisable frequency of coitus. Some advised that the experience should be repeated at least once every four days. It seems, however, that the matter of frequency should be left to the mood and the personal inclination of the parties concerned, which indeed depend on many factors, including their age and the condition of their health.

5. A husband should also see to it that his wife has sufficient knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage her in observing her devotional duties. Of special importance are the rules pertaining to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as during the period of postnatal discharge, the obligation of mandatory prayer is lifted; and coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is lifted when the blood discharge has stopped and the woman has had the ablution of a full bath.

6. A husband should not harbor doubts or suspicion about his wife unduly. Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and a husband is not to be too indulgent or to remain indifferent in reasonably provocative situations, and surely must guard his wife against all corruptive influences. Yet he should not allow fanciful thoughts to engage his mind and should not behave in a spying manner toward his wife. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

There is a type of jealousy which God loves and there is another type which God hates. As for that which God loves, it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate cause of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy which is unduly aroused.

The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own daughter, "What is best for a woman?" She replied, "That she should not mix with men and men should not mix with her." The Prophet, who was pleased with her answer, hugged her and said, "An offspring resembling its roots." Thus a happy life depends on mutual trust between the partners; and all that has to be done is to keep away from situations that are likely to incite evil or arouse suspicion.

8. If the wife becomes pregnant, her husband should display greater consideration for her and should do all he can to alleviate her discomfort. When she is delivered, he should be grateful to God for her safety and for what God has beneficently graced them with. If his wife has been delivered of a male child, he should not go out of his way to show his pleasure; and if it is a female, he should not at all feel disheartened. After all, he does not know which is better for him. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:

Whoever is graced with a daughter and treats her well and lavished upon her some of the favors God has bestowed upon him, she will be a protection for him against the punishment of the Hell Fire.

Whoever brings home some good things to his children, it will be counted as a divine charity for him. Let him begin by giving the female ones. Whoever cheers up a female child shall have the merit of him who weeps out of divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely fears God, God will protect him from the Hell Fire.

Whoever has two daughters or two sisters under his care and treats them well, he will be my companion in Paradise.

A child, however, should be given a good name, even if it is delivered in a miscarriage. And shortly after a child's safe birth, the full text of the call to prayer should be recited in its right ear, and the short one in its left ear. It is recommended that a boy be circumcised on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of birth itself. Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is recommended that the family then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger animal should be sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the poor, as well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the baby's hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is known as 'aqiqah.

[It is important to point out that it is forbidden for either the husband or the wife to spread any of the secrets of their bedroom to anyone outside. As the Prophet said:"Verily among the worst people before Allah on the day of Qiyama is a man who approaches his wife sexually and she responds and then he spreads her secrets".

The obligation of Man to live with his Woman in kindness.

It is upon the husband to live with his woman in the best and kindness way possible and to be lenient with her in anything that Allah has allowed. There are various hadith about this:  

The Prophet (saw) said: "The best of you, is the one who is best to his wives, and I am the best of you toward my wives." (At-Tahaawi: Saheeh)

The Prophet (saw) said in the farewell Hajj: ". Listen, and take my counsel with regard to women. Be good to them for they are captives with you. (Tuhfatul Ahwadhee Sharh-Tirmidhee: 4/326 and Sharh Ibn Maajah: 1/567)

The Prophet (saw) said: ".... it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women, but they also have right over you. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers." (At-Tirmidhee and Ibn Maajah: Saheh)

The Prophet (saw) said: "Let no male believer ever hate a female believer. Though he may dislike one attribute of hers, he will be (surely) pleased with another." (Muslim)

The Prophet (saw) said: "The believer with the most complete faith is the one with the best character. And the best of them are those who treat their women the best." (At-Tirmidhee: Hassan)

Further more there are plenty of hadith that shows the nice and kind way our prophet (saw) lived with his wives.

On the authority of Aisha (ra) (the wife of the Prophet (saw)) who said: On the Eid, the prophet (saw) called me while the Ethiopians were playing with their spears in the masjid saying O little red one, would you like to watch them? I said yes. Then he had me stand behind him and dropped his shoulders so that I could see. I rested my chin on his shoulder with my face against his cheek, and watched from over his shoulder. When I came bored with the exhibition, he said to me Have u had enough? I said,  Dont rush. And so he continued standing for me. When he asked me the second time if I had had enough, I again told him not to rush. I saw him switching the his feet from weariness.

Aisha said: I really had no desire to look at them, I only wished for the news to reach the women of the way he stood there for me, and the regard he had for me though I was only a girl. So appreciate the status of a girl young in age and fond of pleasure and fun. (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Also on the authority of Aisha who said: The Prophet  (saw) returned from the battle of Tabuk, or it was Khaybar. There was a curtain over her room. The wind blew, lifting the curtain and exposing part of the room in which the Prophet (saw) saw some dolls with which Aisha used to play. He said, What is this, O Aisha? She said: My daughters. (Arabs used to call dolls for daughters) He saw among them a horse with two wings made of pieces of cloth. He said And what is this in the middle? She said, A horse. He said, and what are those on the horse? She said: Two wings. He said, A horse with two wings?! Aisha said: The Prophet (saw) laughed until I could see his molar teeth (Abu Daawood, an-Nasaaee).

Also on the authority of Aisha who reported that she was once on a trip with the Prophet (saw) while she was still a young girl. I had not acquired excess body flesh, nor had my body become large. The Prophet (saw) said to his companions Move on ahead. When they had gone on ahead of us, he said Come, and I will race you. Then, I beat him in a foot race. Later on, I again was on a trip with him and he said again to his companions Go on ahead And then he said to me Come, and I will race you. I had completely forgotten the previous incident. Moreover, I had become heavier. I said to him: How can I race you when I am in this condition? He said, You will race me! So I raced him, and he won the race. Then he began laughing and said, This is for that victory. (Al-Humaidi, an-Nasaaee, Abu-Dawood)

Also on the authority of Aisha who said: The Prophet (saw) used to be brought a glass of milk from which I would drink first. Then he would take the glass and drink, putting his mouth on the same spot where my mouth had been. Other times, I used to take a piece of meat and eat from it. Then he would take it and eat putting his mouth on the same area on which I had put mine. (Muslim, Ahmad)

On the authority of Jaabir ibn Abdullaah and Jaabir ibn Umair, who both reported that the Prophet (saw) said: All things in which there is no mention of Allah are frivolity, absent-mindedness, and idle play except for four things: A man being playful with his wife, training his horse, walking between two purposeful goals, and teaching another to swim. (An-Nasaaee, at-Tabarani and others.

How to Make your Wife Happy

1. Beautiful Reception
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:
* begin with a good greeting.
* Start with Assalamau 'Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a
du'aa for her as well.
* Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!

2. Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations
* Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
* Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.
* Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
* Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart,
honey, saaliha, etc.

3. Friendliness and Recreation
* Spend time talking together.
* Spread to her goods news.
* Remember your good memories together.

4. Games and Distractions
* Joking around & having a sense of humor.
* Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
* Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.
* Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.

5. Assistance in the Household
* Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out,
especially if she is sick or tired.
* The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her
hard work.

6. Consultation (Shurah)
* Specifically in family matters.
* Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
* Studying her opinion carefully.
* Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
* Thanking her for helping him with her opinions.

7. Visiting Others
* Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great
reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time
while visiting!)
* Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
* Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.

8. Conduct During Travel
* Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
* Ask her to pray for him.
* Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your
absence.
* Give her enough money for what she might need.
* Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..
* Return as soon as possible.
* Bring her a gift!
* Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
* Take her with you if possible.

9. Financial Support
* The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He
should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
* He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a
small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).
* He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.

10. Smelling Good and Physical Beautification
* Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
* Always being clean and neat.
* Put on perfume for her.

11. Intercourse
* It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness,
etc.)
* Start with "Bismillah" and the authentic du'a.
* Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).
* Begin with foreplay including words of love.
* Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
* Relax and joke around afterwards.
* Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram
* Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and
modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her
to do it first while he is looking on.
* Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting
pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are
heavy.
* Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as
sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.

12. Guarding Privacy
* Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her
personal problems and other private matters.

13. Aiding in the Obedience to Allah
* Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray "Qiam-ul-Layl"
(extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'ua).
* Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and its tafseer.
* Teach her "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the
prophet) in the morning and evening.
* Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity
sale.
* Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.

14. Showing Respect for her Family and Friends
* Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
* Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
* Give them presents on special occasions.
* Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
* Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first.
Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah
and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and
family.

15. (Islamic) Training & Admonition
This includes
* The basics of Islam
* Her duties and rights
* Reading and writing
* Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
* Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
* Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library

16. Admirable Jealousy
* Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
* Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
* Avoiding excess jealousy. Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading
her speech by meanings that she did not mean
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are
just.
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.

17. Patience and Mildness
* Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is
wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital
breakdown.
* Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by
delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc..
* Forgive the mistakes she does to you (See item 18).
* How can you best correct her mistakes?
1- First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
2- Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings).
Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room,
leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
3- The last solution is (when allowable) lightly hitting  her. In this
case, the husband should consider the following:
- He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet
PBUH never beat a woman or a servant.
- He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g.
refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not
praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time
without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been,
etc..
- It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and
discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur'an .
- He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or
on sensitive parts of her body.
- He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe,
etc.

18. Pardoning and Appropriate Censure
* Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
* Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in
Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..
* Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
* Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as
maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her
commitment to Islam is growing.
* Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH
never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats
and if he doesn't then he does not eat and does not comment.
* Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that
are more subtle than direct accusations
* Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
* When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have
privacy from others.
* Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control
on your words.


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